SATIRE: Jamaica Prepares To Vote For Hillary

Jamaican people have become so obsessed with the Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump electoral battle they actually think the election is a Jamaican one, and they plan to come out by the thousands to vote tomorrow. Doris MacPherson, a forty two year old hairdresser living in Montego Bay says she is ready to cast her vote for Mrs. Clinton. She laments the fact, however, that the government has put out no information concerning the location of polling stations in Mobay.

“Mi hear say yu have one polling station out by Bogue,” she says “But then mi hear say dem move it go a Bottom Road.  Dem nuh even tell we what time di poll dem a open, tomorrow. Anju Holness need fi organize himself.”

Apparently, the Jamaican government also believes we will be holding an election and has made preparations. Prime Minister Andrew Holness says businesses and schools will close early tomorrow to ensure that everyone in the island has a chance to vote for Hillary Clinton.

“I cannot over-emphasize the importance of this election.” he stated emphatically “Trump must not be allowed to win.  We can’t afford another war.  We lost thousands of Jamaicans in Iraq and Afghanistan.  No more wars, please. No more.”

When reminded that Jamaica did not fight in those wars the Prime Minister appeared momentarily confused and said quietly to himself  “Raas. Is true.”  Nevertheless, he said this election is still important for Jamaica and can affect other issues like the Mexican immigrants pouring into Jamaica at the border and the future of Obamacare in the island.

Prominent Montego Bay psychiatrist, Anthony Patterson, believes that whatever happens at the polls, tomorrow, Jamaicans will need to come together and heal.  “Its scary!” he points out. “The country is bitterly divided and we are on the brink of civil war. We have 99.9 percent of the population on one side with Hillary Clinton, and on the other side we have reggae singer, Etana.  A Trump victory could mean a war between everybody and Etana.”  When contacted for comment Etana furiously dismissed the press saying “A wha di….Unu really bring up dis ting fi come twist me words, again.  Come outa mi house, now!”

At some point tomorrow night the election will be over.  The campaign which began in earnest last year has taken a severe psychological toll on many Jamaicans.  Some have even declared they can’t and won’t speak about any more politics until the election has passed.  Of course, if Mrs. Clinton loses Jamaicans could find themselves in a very uncomfortable position as new Prime Minister Donald Trump grabs all of us by the proverbial pussy.